“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”