Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days