@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it