Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Does this dress make me look cat?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
So inspired right now.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*