Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*