PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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