Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
nature’s most graceful animal
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.