Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You Might Also Like
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.