Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.