Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.