My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me and who
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.