teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Brilliant!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda