If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?