“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s