Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
This line from Airplane.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder