“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I see your IQ test came back negative
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.