[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.