keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.