GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me :
All Day At Night
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.