any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan