My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
iPhone X
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.