The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.