*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.