Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
just pretend nothing happened
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me My dog
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.