*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.