sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.