Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Van Gone
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season