I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.