Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
the battle rages on
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon