guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy