me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
School be like
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.