I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The Sun’s probably Asian.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.