YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change