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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Someone just threatened to call me later
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.