My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.