Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
how to exercise your calf muscles
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.