So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think