I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him