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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.