Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY