I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Beware of the dog..