I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
eggs benadryl
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me