If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”