Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself