[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
You Might Also Like
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Just why bro?!
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line