MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.