The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Great game to play with friends