My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?