Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.