KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too